It's fascinating to see yesterday's difficulties become today's phobias.1 Somewhat troublingly, it suggests a lack of confidence in my ability to deal with the second time around... but I did survive the first time, right? And maybe eventually I'll learn. Or anyway, that's what I'll keep telling myself, because it seems like one encounter is rarely enough to learn what I need.
At least now that I see this pattern (alas, how obvious it seems only *after* I notice), I can predict my phobias a little better.2 Maybe I'll even find ways to control them—because I really shouldn't need to win3 a life experience in order to restore my confidence.
- For example: Analysis. Thanks a lot, 18.100B. Fortunately, I have 18.101 and Prof. Guillemin to thank sincerely for restoring some part of my sanity there.
- For instance, once the first year is over and I'm supposed to have just a smidgen more academic independence, I suspect I will be screaming in terror.
- Thinking of these experiences as battles to be won or lost is probably going to leave me all sorts of narrow-minded and crazy. Maybe that's a good place to start trying to fix things.